Enablers will often avoid confrontation to keep the peace. If you don’t want to bother or confront an addicted person, you may be enabling them. Because you’re close to the person in need, you don’t want to believe they’re doing what they’re doing. There are no particular personality traits that make someone an enabler. Instead, it’s determined by your emotional connection to a person.

• Support groups like Al-Anon may be useful for people whose loved ones are living with addiction.
• This, of course, is harder if you insinuate that their behaviors are acceptable by blaming others.
• This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside.
• It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support.
• This creates a lack of trust and resentment that can strain relationships.

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Tell your loved one you want to keep helping them, but not in ways that enable their behavior. For example, you might offer rides to appointments but say no to giving money for gas or anything else. When a pattern of enabling characterizes a relationship, it’s fairly common for resentment, or feelings of anger and disappointment, to develop. But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats. Sometimes we want to make sacrifices for the people we care about. Missing out on things you want or need for yourself because you’re so involved with taking care of a loved one can also be a sign you’re enabling that person.

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As with other behaviors, you can manage and change enabling tendencies. Doctors, therapists, and support groups can recommend appropriate treatment programs. If they violate any of the rules, there will be consequences and they will lose your support and possibly be out on their own.

“For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set. It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support. Enabling can also be a way of protecting those we love from others’ scrutiny — or protecting ourselves from acknowledging a loved one’s shortcomings. Enabling becomes less like making a choice to be helpful and more like helping in an attempt to keep the peace. It may be a decision you make consciously or not, but at the root of your behavior is an effort to avoid conflict. Even though it’s starting to affect your emotional well-being, you even tell yourself it’s not abuse because they’re not really themselves when they’ve been drinking.

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• You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members.
• In other words, enabling is directly or indirectly supporting someone else’s unhealthy tendencies.
• In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains.
• It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem.
• Enabling doesn’t mean you support your loved one’s addiction or other behavior.

By not setting boundaries or requiring a person to be accountable for their actions and the support provided by the enabler, an addict will continue their bad behavior. When an enabler stops enabling, the person with an alcohol or drug addiction may have an easier time seeking help. Fortunately, treatment programs are available when they’re ready to change. Recognizing the pattern of enabler behavior is important because it can help us understand the role the enabler is playing in the person’s harmful habits. Breaking this pattern can be the first step toward breaking the cycle of harmful behavior. They may work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors and what coping skills you can develop to stop those.

The following signs can help you recognize when a pattern of enabling behavior may have developed. But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help. You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time.

Often, we think we’re helping others because we want to. But in an enabling relationship, a person who’s used to being enabled will come to expect your help. So, you step in and fulfill those needs in order to avoid an argument or other consequence. Enabling someone doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members. Do any of the above signs seem similar to patterns that have developed in your relationship with a loved one?

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They may skip the topic or pretend they didn’t see the problematic behavior. When you engage in enabling behaviors, you may find that the bulk of your time and energy is focused on the other person. This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside.

At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation. For example, enabling behavior may include providing the school with an excuse so someone can skip class, even if they did because they spent the night drinking. You can pay for living expenses bills directly, if necessary, but do not give any cash money whats an enabler that could be used to buy alcohol or drugs. Tell your loved one that you are there to help in a positive way, but you will not be covering up for them anymore. If they want your help, they will need to be open and honest about their addiction with themself and others.

Types of Enablers

People who could be considered enablers to another’s substance abuse may not be knowingly enabling their loved ones. In many cases, a person living with an addiction may attempt to conceal it from their friends and family. For example, they may ask to borrow money and lie about what they intend to use it for. Sometimes, enablers can have their own history of addiction and may feel guilty or helpless about the situation. They may feel it is unfair to address their loved one’s substance abuse when they have had their own similar struggles in the past. Enablers are individuals who may, knowingly or unknowingly, help a person continue their substance abuse behaviors.

You might tell yourself this behavior isn’t so bad or convince yourself they wouldn’t do those things if not for addiction. Your loved one tends to drink way too much when you go out to a restaurant. Instead of talking about the issue, you start suggesting places that don’t serve alcohol. Whether your loved one continues to drink to the point of blacking out or regularly takes money out of your wallet, your first instinct might be to confront them. This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors. Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated.

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While Ukraine is fighting Russian troops, Mr. Putin’s enabler and guarantor is China, whether via oil purchases or chips for military equipment. The more you spend time, energy and financial resources on others, the more effect it can have on your own well-being. The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. Say your sister continues to leave her kids with you when she goes out. You agree to babysit because you want the kids to be safe, but your babysitting enables her to keep going out. Your teen spends hours each night playing video games instead of taking care of their responsibilities.

This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship. There’s often a fine line between enabling and empowering. You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work.